She is dead

Well, at least I got the decency to use "she".

I struggled; wondered whether her death deserved an entry.

After a few days of "background" processing it, I thought it should be recorded. Ends a chapter, which was bigger than I had imagined.

For years she had wished us bad endings. She had called us names, insulted us, and took a big chunk of happiness out of my childhood in various ways. I sometimes wished that she would just disappear when I was a kid.

But as I grew older, I saw her importance in my life, and thus she is given this entry.

I am not an ambitious person. I am easy going, and would just want to live happily ever after. Her insults made me worked harder. I used to dread doing worse than her son in school. Even when I was wayyyyyy ahead of him (comparing him and me is an insult to my intelect!!!), they somehow managed to make him sound soooo much smarter, because he got a thing called... whatever, some wriggly thing with a purpose of adding more foul smell into this world. I was just a gal. JUST a gal. So, even when I was happily playing and never bothered to study, I still did my homework (in school, 1/2 hour before classes began!!) to avoid the shame of being called up to the headmaster's office. If she found out, it would make her happy, and my mum sad.

Thanks to imagining the smirk on her face, and and how she would happily visit all the relatives, and relatives' relatives, to ask them if they heard of my failure, I never give up no matter how tough or painful things sometimes were.

Only when in recent years, in my twenties, that I began to get myself out of this trap. What is there to "show" others? Does she worth so much efforts? No!!! I should not be bothered with it anymore. I should just live my life the way I want, do things that make me happy, and not blindly pursue success or achievements that earn ma bragging rights. Is it important to make those mean people in your life unhappy/regret?

No, they don't deserve air time!!

But...

..........she died. Days before I were to announce a big milestone in my life, that will make her ugly eyes swell with jealousy. She died. Sis told me she died. Despite the change in the philosophy of my life, ie, others' opinion doesn't matter, I cant help but feel,

"Oh no, she missed it!".

Perverted thought. Evil. Deep seated hate?? Whatever. You get as much as you give. And she had given me plenty of bad things.

I thought I needed to call mum, she might have things to talk to me. After all, she is ma's biggest enemy, and source of unhappiness for years. But surprisingly (ok, maybe NOT surprisingly) she sounded so happy, and told me she was busy cooking, talk to your papa, can ?????

My ma, is one of the first people who visited her other evil sister in law when she was hospitalized, cooked her lunch, and justified her actions by saying how pitiful she is ..... blah blah blah...and forgave her straightaway! She and my dad could be really unbelievable, at times. At the rate they visited her, you might be mistaken that they were good friends. I thought that she would still cry that this one died, but she did not! Oh my god!

Pa took over the phone. As usual, very happy to talk to me. My dad talked about the moon, the sun, and the weather in UK, the global warming.. etc etc.. before asking me casually, "eh, you know so and so's mum died?".

I said yeah... sis smsed me. My dad let out a sigh...

Cue.. pa is sad. Imagine that!!!!!! Not difficult to imagine, actually.

My pa is probably the kindest man I know. He never wished people bad things, no matter how bad the person is, or treated him. I heard the sadness in his voice, and so I asked him,

"yeah, when? what happened?".

A few days ago. kidney failure. Pneumonia. Gone. less than a week.

Gosh!!! My heart sank. There goes the loudest, biggest mouth I know! Imagine the irony. Pneumonia, breathless, can't mutter much words!

No, not that I feel sad (evil). I just suddenly feel how old my dad is now. And this woman is about 10 years plus younger than my ma and pa. Suddenly my parents seem so old and vulnerable!!!

Pa is sad. Pa is worried for his brother. Can you believe it?? Yeah , I can. I know my dad. Blood is thicker than water. They might become best friends again, and then he would fleece my dad again. If only he is not my dad's brother, I would have called him a bastard and son of a bitch-the "highest level" of vocab I could managed.

Well, a chapter is closed. She died too early. And since she died, i could no longer say how much I hated her. You are not supposed to say bad things about people who have died.

I only have one choice now: forgive and forget.

Closure.